Tips
Ahhh, the wedding rehearsal. While a very obvious part of the wedding planning process, it’s one that many couples forget to think about until they’re right there at the rehearsal with a room of wedding attendants and family staring at them blankly. On a number of occasions the bride has suddenly turned to me and said “now what do I do?!” Well, here you go.
When to hold it…
Typically, most couples tend to do the wedding rehearsal on the day before the wedding. You usually have most of your wedding party in town (hopefully) by this point, most of your work done, and it's the traditional thing to do. But this isn't the only option, just the most common.
Another option is to hold your rehearsal a couple days or even a week before. Why? Having your rehearsal more then just the day before may give you a better chance of holding your rehearsal at the actual ceremony location - especially during the summer months. Also, if you run through the ceremony and realize you've forgotten to plan for something, or have forgotten to get an important item (such as the unity candle, ring pillow, etc) you have more time to fix any issues that arise rather than being forced to run around immediately or the morning of the wedding. If you're starting to feel overwhelmed in your planning, you might particularly prefer this option since it will allow you to spread out the events of your wedding rather than cramming it all into 48 hours. Having your rehearsal a few days before also allows you just that much more time to relax on the day before your wedding. Some people have their rehearsal a few days before followed by a small rehearsal dinner with just the wedding party, and then have a relaxed get together with whoever is in town the night before the wedding at a club, pizza place, you name it.
There’s only one time I’d recommend to NOT hold your rehearsal. I’ve seen a few couples try it, and it’s always made things more stressful. Avoid holding your rehearsal on your wedding day. People will be more stressed, moody, and it doesn’t leave you any time to fix any problems that may arise. On top of that, should anyone run late for any reason you may miss having a rehearsal altogether.
With the number of options you have, It all comes down to your stress level and how you want to spread it out.
Where to hold it…
If at all possible, hold your rehearsal at the ceremony location. Otherwise, everyone will feel like they're guessing when it comes to the big day of where to stand, etc. It's another one of those little things that will help put everyone a little more at ease on your wedding day. By not having it at your actual location you're not able to necessarily see little problems of where exactly people enter from, what visual obstacles may prevent the photographer or guests to see you during the ceremony, where your party should exactly stand, etc. If you're able to hold it at about the same time of day as your ceremony you'll have a better idea of traffic and parking problems, where the sun will be (is it blinding anyone) and what the temperature will be like. Having your rehearsal somewhere else won't let you take things into consideration, and may cause some undue stress on your wedding day.
Who should be there…
Anyone who will be playing an active role in your ceremony from the time the processional music starts to the time of the recessional. When possible, have your photographer attend. This will give your photographer a clear idea of the ceremony, ideas of where to stand at what points, etc. Run through it a couple times to make sure everyone is comfortable with what they're supposed to do, where to stand, etc. Any children you have planned to be a part of the ceremony should definitely be there. We often forget that little kids can be nervous and shy to new situations and environments. Letting kiddos check out the location, meet the wedding party, and see how the ceremony should go will make them feel better, too.
What to cover at your rehearsal…
The rehearsal is done to make sure everyone knows what's going on from the order of the ceremony, where to stand, and to calm nerves a bit. It doesn't matter how many times you've been married before, it's just a good idea to take even fifteen minutes to go through it with everyone that will be involved.
Don't forget to make sure all your key players know where they're supposed to be on the wedding day and at what times - especially if you're having any photos done before the ceremony. The rehearsal is one of the few times you may have everyone together -take advantage of it. Make sure everyone is on the same page, wake-up calls are figured out (always a good idea if everyone isn't sleeping at the same place), tuxes and gowns are picked up, transportation to the ceremony location is figured out, who's helping with clean up and the overall schedule of the day. This will help cut down on "issues" and confusion on the wedding day.
What to bring and what to "prepare"…
If you're standing in front of your crew and it feels like chaos - welcome to a typical wedding rehearsal. I have yet to attend one in my over 20 years of being involved with weddings when it didn't initially feel a bit "mobbish". That's why it's called the rehearsal. If you have someone that's coordinating your big day they will probably run the rehearsal for you - which is definitely a perk. If you're braving the planning yourself, don't worry. Just get everyone's attention and go with the flow. And remember - the sooner you get through the rehearsal, the sooner you get to start the rehearsal dinner.
Make sure you have all of your ceremony order figured out and written down before you get there - including the order of who's walking in the processional. Give thought (beforehand) to where you want people to stand, sit, etc. Remember, this is supposed to be a rehearsal, not a development meeting. Feeling a little extra motivated? Why not bring copies for your wedding party to look at during the rehearsal. It'll help keep them involved and a little more focused, too. Keep your sense of humor with you, have some fun, and remember that this whole process is to lead you to the kiss at the end of the ceremony. It’ll all be worth it.
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The Wrath of Mother Nature and Your Wedding Day.
Having your ceremony and or reception outside is definitely very romantic when you first imagine it. A beautiful sunny day and Mother Nature takes care of the decorating for you. Many couples don't factor in that Mother Nature can be a bit unpredictable and moody. Here are some items to consider to try and make sure your wedding day is a little less stressful.
Overall, be prepared for a little more stress than if you do your entire day indoors. You're entirely in the hands of Mother Nature. Even if your area typically has one type of weather, you'll never know if there's a sudden heat wave, wind or rain storm. I've been to too a number of outdoors weddings where the couple wasn't prepared for the challenge. Some were completely rained out and ended up to a makeshift ceremony inside a guest's living room, and one was so unbearably hot that a number of guests left towards the end of the ceremony. With just a bit of extra planning you can avoid this type of drama.
Have a back-up location. Should an extreme heat wave hit, or even worse - rain, you need to have another plan. That way, should something happen you can immediately shift gears and everything's in place. If you're looking at holding your event on the grounds of a venue, check to see if they hold a back up room for you. Some places do, and it's invaluable.
Water, water everywhere. If it's a hot day your wedding party and guests will guzzle the liquid. Because of this, it's a good idea to keep the alcohol to a minimum and have plenty of water and lighter beverages at out door weddings. If you only have alcohol you'll have a number of guests becoming inebriated faster than they normally would, and getting dehydrated on top of it. Also, it's a good idea to have beverages available before the ceremony, too. Remember your guests may be outside for up to an hour by the time your ceremony is over. Plan on having at least two to three bottles of water per person if it's looking like the weather is going to be very warm.
Make sure there's plenty of shade, and remember that shade locations will change throughout the day. So, when picking your location make sure to visit it at the time of day you'll have your ceremony so you can make sure the sun doesn't cook you alive. Renting tents is a great option (stop groaning - you can dress them up!). Add some flowers and lights and tents can look gorgeous. Tents are the safest way to make sure you ready to go rain or shine, and that your guests will be comfortable.
Make your decorations multitask. Programs that double as fans can be a lifesaver when it's warm. That way your guests having something at hand to help keep them cool. Don't like the tent idea? Why not try large umbrellas (which can often be found at a golf shop)? You can find them in a variety of colors and patterns, and the work great to cover a number of chairs at a time. Just like the tents, add a touch of decoration to them such as lights or flowers and it looks like they were made for it.
Is it easy to get to? Be it inside or outside, if you will have elderly or disabled guests make sure there's a way for them to get to your location with minimum difficulty. This may take a little extra planning. If your location is up on a hill and a bit of a walk from the parking you may want to consider a golf cart or something of the sort.
Be prepared for bees, mosquitos and other lovely bugs. If you’re allergic to bees you may want to consider silk flowers to avoid attracting them. If you’re near water you may want to spray some bug spray to keep from becoming a mosquito’s lunch, especially if you’ll be celebrating into the evening. Test some out and find the ones that are odorless. Throw some citronella candles into your decorations and you’re set.
Be your wedding inside or outside, try to think of any problems and address them beforehand. A good idea is to enjoy an afternoon outside for a few hours during the times of day your event would take place, and make a list of any issues you notice - all the way down to having a restroom nearby. Plan ahead, play along with Mother Nature and your day will be a beauty to remember.
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Attendant Reality
AKA - what you expect of your bridal party vs. what they expect to do
One of the fun parts of getting married and planning a wedding is supposed to be the time you spend with your bridesmaids and groomsman putting the day together. Overall, there's usually more fun with your attendants then drama... but, in every wedding I've seen that involved wedding attendants there's always one or two (usually one on each side) that do nothing to help the happy couple but cause drama, it's almost an unspoken and unplanned wedding tradition.
When you pick your bridesmaids and groomsmen keep in mind that while it's nice if they help you, don't necessarily count on it. Of course your wedding day is one of the most important days in your life, but that level of importance isn't necessarily true for your bridal party. In other words, if one of them isn't able to dedicate as much as time as you'd like to the planning of your day don't spend too much energy getting angry. Your wedding isn't necessarily one of the most important days in their life.
The best way to try to avoid drama is to be very clear with your attendants what you expect of them. While you may have a list of tasks you'd like them to help with, they may not (and probably aren't) expecting to do much work other than show up on the wedding day. Sit down with them, let them what you'd like them to help you with as items arise, and ask what they're able to help you with. This is especially important when you get to the week within the wedding and the wedding day. Give them plenty of warning to make sure they'll agree to it - especially if you're wanting them to run errands, help set up or clean up. It doesn't hurt to even write up a list of who's doing what and to give people copies for the wedding day.
A common area of frustration is your bridal party getting their attire for the big day. In some cases the couple getting married pay for the bridesmaids and groomsmen attire. In other cases (and more often than not these days) the wedding party is expected to pay for it themselves. When you're picking your wedding party's attire keep the expense in mind. If you're expecting them to pay, first make sure that they're able to afford it. Don't pick elaborate gowns or tuxes with all the accessories when you know your group doesn't have a large income. Not only is it a bit inconsiderate, but it can create a lot of resentment, especially when they'll probably only wear the garment once. If you're expecting them to pay, especially your bridesmaids, try to find something that will be flattering on them and that they may be able to wear again. A great option is to give them a color or two you'd like them to wear, and allow them to pick something out from a few styles or even whatever they'd like. The more flexibility you give them, the happier and more appreciative they'll be.
Try to figure out expenses you expect your wedding party to pay as early as possible so your attendants can have plenty of time to get the money together (don't forget about hotel rooms if you're having an out of town wedding). When you know the price try to talk with each of your attendants individually before you order anything to make sure they can afford it. You don't want to order the clothes or book rooms and then find out they won't be able to pay.
You may have to do some encouraging and reminding when it comes to getting their measurements for clothes (which can end up being pretty frustrating). A good way around this is to pick a day you can get all of your bridesmaids together and all go get measurements and pick out clothes together. Not only will it be some quality time together, but you'll know it's taken care of. Same with the groomsmen. If you can get them to all go take care of the tuxes together, you know it's done.
If drama does arise, don't let it ruin your day or become a big issue. Your wedding day is about you and your fiancé. If someone has decided to play the role of the drama queen or king, ask them to go calm down somewhere else for a while. Try not to play your "bride card" or your "groom card" too much that day (no one likes a bridezilla), but play it as graciously as possible when necessary.
Remember, you have control over whether you're happy or not. Don't allow other people to have the power over you to decide the enjoyment of your day. When you get frustrated, take a deep breath, close your eyes, and picture your fiancé and the kiss. That's what really matters.
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To See or Not to See…
…the “first sight” photo
It’s a long-time tradition to not see each other before the ceremony. It’s extremely romantic builds up some fantastic anticipation; but there’s also another option.
The “First Sight” Photo, and one of my favorite photos, is done before the ceremony. The couple are brought out to each other either blindfolded or with their wedding party hiding them from each other and placed back to back. The couple then turns around at the count of three (or whatever number they like) and they see each other at the same time. Of course, immediately followed by the unavoidable embrace and kiss.
It’s an incredibly beautiful moment, and a great way to actually capture the first time you both see each other on your wedding day.
It also allows you to get all of your posed photos out of the way before the ceremony. This way, once you’re done with the ceremony you can start your reception and not have to worry about any more posed photos. You’re free to celebrate your wedding day.
I’ve noticed in all the situations I’ve done this photos for couples, and when I’ve seen it at weddings when I’ve been a guest, is that the level of stress and nervousness drops dramatically. You’re instantly reminded of what the day is about, and all the other little details people usually think and stress about seem to melt away. It allows you to relax with your fiancé and enjoy the day a bit more.
The photo is actually shot in a series of pictures capturing the couple turning, the reaction and the wonderful embrace.
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Great Expectations
... tips to staying calm and what to expect on your wedding day…
This is the number one piece of advice I give to all my friends, family and clients for their wedding day:
"Don't expect your wedding day to be 'perfect'. Perfection is an impossible pursuit and things will go wrong on your wedding day. If you accept this fact, and embrace it, you'll be much happier on your wedding day - and those mishaps will probably end up as great memories."
I've seen an endless list of mistakes and mishaps - even at my own wedding, and by that point I had been in, at or worked for an insane number of weddings. Our officiant gave the wrong reading, my husband's wedding ring fell through the deck, even the standard "issues" with wedding party members and guests. Because my husband and I knew that no amount of planning would prevent some of these things from happening, we ended up laughing it off and easily dealing with it. Those mishaps are now some of our humorous memories.
A few "mental" tricks I've used myself and with brides and grooms I know (especially with brides).
When you start to feel stressed, close your eyes, take a deep breath and think of walking down the aisle. What do you see - your fiancé. All the other things: color of the flowers, disagreements or uncooperative wedding party members, anything all melt away.
Next - think of the kiss. That is what you're doing all of this for.
On your wedding day, takes breaks whenever you need them. If you need a break away from everyone then say so. Kindly tell your attendants that you need a few minutes to yourself, and ask them to watch the door so that no one disturbs you. Need a break from photos - take a break. Sometimes just taking a couple minutes of silence and alone can really do the trick.
When scheduling the itinerary of wedding photography for your wedding day make sure you allow for people to run late and little breaks. Don't try to fit all of your family and bridal party photos into 20 minutes. Everyone will stress out and you won't have any fun.
While you're getting ready before the ceremony have a tv playing some of your favorite movies or a cd player with favorite tunes. Having things to laugh or sing along to are a great distraction.
If there are certain people that you know will stress or upset you before the ceremony don't allow them to visit before the ceremony. Guests and family will often try to find the couple to say hello and visit before the ceremony starts. This is where your wedding party can come in. Have them kindly explain that you're either in the middle of something, doing photos, getting dressed, or just flat out that you're not seeing guests before the ceremony. If it means you keeping relaxed and calm, it's worth it.
Make sure to have some snacks and something to drink around when you're getting ready (avoid alcohol if you can). Just like the movies and music, a little comfort food can go a long way.
Overall - remember to have fun and enjoy the day. That's what it's all about.
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Turning Your Back on the Ocean
… little kids and weddings…
When I used to teach I always heard "never turn your back on a classroom of little kids or the ocean. You never know what will happen." It's just as true with a child at a wedding. You never know what a child will do.
Weddings are an intimidating place for kids, and as adults we often forget that. You never know how a child may react, even if they make it through the rehearsal with now problems.
A few tips for "just in case".
Never, ever, ever, ever give your actual rings the ringbearer. I've seen it happen, and heard of it happening even more, of a ringbearer taking a run back down the aisle with the rings. Your safer option, especially if you do want a ringbearer, is to buy a couple fake rings and attach them to what you're using for the pillow. That way if your ringbearer decides not to cooperate, you're still safe.
The walk down the aisle can be terrifying for a kid. At our wedding my nephew just wasn't going to do it. He was very shy at the time, and it was just too much for him. He got very worked up and upset. So, we took a break. I took a little walk with him to the back of the hall, joked around for minute and gave him a new way to look at it. We actually had two ringerbearers and gave him a new mission. His job was now to race the other ringbearer down the aisle to the Maid of Honor. Who ever got there first would get a prize after the ceremony. It was amazing how that immediately changed his mind. It was now a game and the number of people no longer mattered. We had him play with the Maid of Honor for a while after the ceremony and all was set. The day of the wedding he did great. He booked it right down the aisle and it ended up being some of the most precious memories and photos we have - complete with him looking back over his shoulder to see where the other ringbearer was.
Flowergirls… well, you never know what will happen with those petals. I've seen picture perfect tossing and a full basket dump following by sprinting. At the rehearsal let the flowergirl practice a couple times (with actually tossing the petals) and she'll feel a little better about it. As always, you never know what will happen at the ceremony.
Have two places for the children to go after they've made it down the aisle: one standing with a member of the wedding party and one with them sitting with a family member or friend in the audience. That way if they start to panic or get restless they know they can go sit down. Also, if you want them to keep standing up front during the ceremony don't be surprised if they wander back and forth and make random comments to you.
When it comes to children, if they can't do what you picture, make it a game, and be prepared for them not to participate at the drop of a hat. It's not worth forcing them crying down the aisle. Think back to weddings you've seen with little kids "messing up" and not doing what was planned, and it's often some of the cutest moments.
During the reception, it doesn't hurt to have some entertainment for the kids. If possible, see if space allows for you to set up a little area of the room for the kids to play without getting to in the way of adults. Toss in some bubbles, balloons or even a couple boards games to keep them busy, and they'll have a good time, too.
Just let happen what will happen, and you'll enjoy the ride.